Aug 14, 2020
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You know the song right? Well we are going to talk about sex, but baby sex. Not the act itself, as I'm sure you've got that covered, but the emotional side of things when it comes to trying to conceive.
And no please be rest assured that I am. not suggesting that you 'just relax'.
We start to unpick the instinctive animalistic nature of procreation, that the design is to be driven by desire and being in tune with our own cycle can help us get back to that.
We know that the key part of getting pregnant is having sex, It’s not possible to talk about getting pregnant without talking about sex, but it has to be considered in a wider aspect than just getting the egg and sperm together. It is instinctive, animalistic, hormonally driven and this is key, the subtle interplays, switch downs, diversions of hormones impact you getting pregnant.
There are a number of reasons that the hormones are affected sufficiently to affect libido, but I want to focus in this episode to look at how a sense of danger, and not in a risky sexy way, affects things, that the fear and anxiety may be in the actual sex itself. In particular, having sex at the right time,
If you’ve listened to me before you know that I work around what is required for survival of any species, procreation being the last element and that it cannot happen if the other requirements aren’t in place, namely safety and sustenance
it may be that the act of having sex itself is threatening your safety, sounds strange, but remember that the body senses danger by its response to threat
That threat can be real or imagined, and when you are in danger, it’s not the time to be reproducing, when the danger passes, it is, but if you are in constant danger, it may never be the time to reproduce and your body will protect you
I have an episode on tuning into ovulation, on the podcast, its episode 6, so if your new to listening to me, have a look at that, where I discuss the signs, emotions and feelings, and you are unlikely to easily connect to this intuitive sense if you are experiencing anxiety and fear. These signs are an interest in sex, in feeling more easily aroused, more riske dreams and here’s something else that’s hugely key, this is a time of the cycle on a energetic level where you are really creative, you’ll excel at creative tasks, if you think about it it’s the time for the ultimate creation itself. Natures in built design is to make you want to have sex, an instinctive primal desire to have sex.
So, in order for a species to survive there has to be procreation, and this is supported by a system of attraction, desire, with hormones to support including oxytocin, endorphins
I also have a previous podcast episode on orgasm, episode 25, and why I prescribe them and this is a key part too.
Do you find that orgasm is less in baby sex? And also if you are just having sex around your fertile window when ‘trying’ you aren’t necessarily tuned in energetically to ovulation, because when you are, you will want to have sex, for sex itself, not to conceive.
One of the side effect that my clients experience when working in the fertility rewire programme is positive effects on their relationship and sex life.
A client who is now pregnant told me that one of the things she found while working with me was that she felt the relationship with her partner became richer. What might sound strange is that in effect we put getting pregnant on the back burner, initially and with it the pressure, the fear, the anxiety ad a whole heap of emotions
Another Client recently said that her and partner didn’t really ‘want’ to have sex, it was a sense of needing to, and scheduling. They are trying for a second child, and within this scenario sex and scheduling can be an issue any way. But in moving back into desire, she reported that they had been having amazing sex recently.
Moving away from having to is a key part, moving into desire and wanting to, that animalistic nature if you like is key and there are lots of factors that affect this
If you think back to a time when you were having sex with your partner, before trying to get pregnant, if you have a child already, before kids.
Its different, the time of day, the desrie, it not being planned.
So in the rewire programme, we look at this, but what's interesting is that when we support the body from the safety aspect, ( taming tigers), we can name the 'baby sex tiger', the 'ovulation tiger', the 'legs in the air after sex tiger'.
Whats going through your mind at these times?
When you consider accidental pregnancy, it's often heat of the moment, desire is high, absolute attraction, for this reason accidental pregnancies are common in affairs.
I know people and perhaps you do too, who have had children through IVF, and often after long expensive journeys with many attempts and then not long after the birth of their baby or second baby, they are accidentally pregnant. They weren’t trying! And no, I am not telling you to relax, if only it were that easy. But a reduction in fear can improve things.
I am not saying all you have to do is calm down, because we know that will cause stress about the stress which is worse that just the stress itself. You're looking for tigers everywhere at this point, your scared, it's hard to 'calm down' to 'just relax' at this point.
I not talking about meditation, relaxing activities, although all incredibly useful in your self care practice, I'm talking about dealing with the actual tigers. Right there in that moment of stress, right in the moment when you are face to face with the tiger.
It's been a huge part of my life and is at the heart of reducing that sense of danger in my programme. I work with people to start to reduce or remove the ‘tigers’ that cause the fear and anxiety, and sometimes these tigers are tamed through information, knowledge and support and sometimes the tigers need a little more work
Just as some background, One of my qualifications is as a mindfulness based cognitive therapy teacher, I am qualified to run the 8 week MBCT course, and I have found some of the practices useful in my life and they have benefited my health, but I’ll be honest with you, I don’t have the time or inclination in my days to meditate for 20 minutes or more I really don’t! So the taming tigers element of my work doesn’t require that, you need to know what to do in the face of the tiger. This is the case for the large majority of my clients.
When faced with the 'timing tiger', the 'will it work this month tiger' and the 'baby sex it self tiger' who may indeed all come as a pack, it may not be the best thing to meditate!
You can build a level of safety and control which helps to tame the tigers too
So we tame them, and then if one appears we develop skills to be safe, relaxation can help, but something at a deeper level, including regular practice, visualisation and a recognition of those tigers themselves. They are then less lilkely to jump out of a bush!
The last place you want a tiger is when you are trying to make a baby. Think about your body, its clever design, its not going to be working effectively if you are surrounded by tigers. I’m not talking about, just in the heat of the moment here, just in the act itself, it’s the build up, the anticipation of, because chances are that you already know when you need to be having sex next, if your period comes, right there or shortly afterwards you may be planning when to have sex, and if you have irregular periods, this adds a whole new tiger.
Something that I was chatting about with someone recently was that they were advised by a doctor to have sex every other day all the way through their cycle, I was horrified, at this absolute lack of understanding, and this lead to increased stress, discomfort and an impact physically and emotionally not only on her but it impacted the relationship hugely. The pressure is immense, on both sides and this can start to cause issues at a deeper level.
There is a pressure to perform, a sense of having to, and this can be on both sides, which is far removed from why you want to have a baby together, so this is a huge area and something that is missed. A client of mine told me how she had turned down a night out with friends, because that was a night she had to have sex, it was in the diary .
How does it work for you in your relationship if the night, the scheduled night is here and your partner gets home late? How easy is it to have sex at this point? You're angry, they feel got at perhaps?
Baby sex becomes very different, it can feel pressured, something that has to be done, planned and the sense of desire, lust and deep love that was there can be lost.
If you are trying for a second chaild, chances are that the sex after having a child is different, you are exhausted, timings are not that easy, things have often become more scheduled anyway perhaps and then you try for another child. So even at the very start, thigs may feel quite pressure.
I have a client recently tell me that her and her partner had had amazing sex, pre children sex in fact.
So, just to summarise, I don’t focus on sex specifically with my clients, or be a relationship therapist, or give you advice on what to do, but as a part of the programme, when we are addressing other aspects, balancing hormones, shifting our focus and taming your tigers moving into a sense of trust, belief and to a more instinctive state, and ultimately feeling less pressured, a by product is an increased desire and improved sex and relationship. Now I say by product, but of course this is the very thing required, its so much more than putting an egg and sperm together, so very much more.. and you can see that by travelling up stream, we are addressing the cause.
If you want to know more, discuss any aspect of this, you can get in touch via the website Instagram and facebook, or , if you want access to me in a supportive, safe group, then the facebook group your fertility matters is still accepting requests and will be opening its doors soon..